Limitations on non-friends-readers

*start transmission*

General guidelines:
I can be communicated with via the following email: chaoticerotic AT gmail DOT com.

This is mostly Friends Only.

If you wish to be friended, please comment here. If you have recently added me but I have not interacted with you elsewhere, here is where you give salutation before I add you as well. Journals recently created, or with little content will not be added unless recommended by a friend or until I find good reason to.

I do run some communities, neurocam, pornpositivefem and pheromonal. I am a co-moderator at tummyfetish.

and, btw, if you use pheromones or want to try some, go here.

Free Samples

I love 'em.

That is all.

*end transmission*


the gratitude thing

I keep seeing that gratitude post thing, and tagging others for it. I probably won't do this every day, but now works.

I'm feelin' it. Feel free to do it as well.

10 things for which I am thankful...

1 - the people who provide me service at convenience businesses that make my life easier, like restaurants and grocery stores, hairdressers and even the people in call centers who give me customer service. I like convenience!

2 - my sense of smell. Seriously, you have NO idea.

3 - fresh coffee.

4 - My Fae. You know who you are. :)

5 - Wifey.

6 - skeletons! Seriously, i like not being a blob, and I really dig looking at bones of former not-blobs.

7 - this moderate summer, which has felt amazing on my skin, more than the usual heat I tend to prefer.

8 - books and reading, I can has, makes me happy.

9 - all the interesting discussion that occurs on my pages in the digital realm, like FB and LJ.

10 - affection.

On depression


TMI/possibly mildly triggery warning. I'm using my FB in a more journal like way in this post. Don't read if you might not want such exposure to dark emotion-y things. I'm also leaving this unfiltered for once, so if you see this and it surprises you, or you want to speak up, go ahead, be you family, friends, anyone. Unmasking, as it were, on this, a most impersonal forum.

I've been spending a large amount of time lately contemplating what fucked up things our brains do to us. I've spent the last few days trying to take in useful information about the darkness that haunts almost everyone i know in various forms, to grok. It's funny because I technically remember what that feels like, or rather, DOESN'T feel like, or the weird random outbursts of all the not-good that used to come with it, mostly anger and rage and hatred, which always ended up boomeranging right back to explode in my own face. And my idea of "controlling" it was even more fucked up - I'd cut myself to ribbons to release, or starve to feel i could control something, or go on sex binges because it was something close to being able to feel something not negative, or drugs, so many drugs, just because it was a heavy blanket of warm over the nothing that kept it from view. I say technically remember, because i can look back, but i cannot connect with that place again, unless i sit with it for extended periods of time...which obviously, is mostly not something I would ever choose to take back into myself.


I'm compelled to open the doors and let in the lights on these things today, because as I've been sorting and purging things, shedding chunks of my past hoarded up in boxes, I rediscovered my antique scalpel. I refuse to part with it. It was my lance against pain in the past. It was the magic wand of relief. (don't suggest i be rid of it either, ever. It is a reminder i always want to have). I've been turning it around and around in my hands, marveling at it. It used to have such power. Indeed, still does, as i handle it like it might explode.

Which brings me to others i care for, which this week seems to be dredging up all over the place.
I've been so very close to those i loved in times past where I, no matter which approaches i have taken, could not have saved them from themselves. And it tore me to shreds to finally remove myself from a place that was only destructive to me, for the sake of keeping another afloat. It's a White Knight thing, a Capt'-Save-a-Hoe mentality (which will make my stripper friends laugh quite a bit to hear me say)...which is something that even I would look at in others and think only to SMDH. I know I can't, and perhaps shouldn't want to be someone's savior, indeed, it is arrogant and ego maniacal to even think of. And there is a root to it, oh yes, which will not be put down in words here - the trigger for my darkest days long gone, my totally ignoring someone slipping away until it was very much too late and they were gone, because i had been unwilling to face up to it, and helpless in the face of it.

I am reminded that I've been left as a partner because I could only be destructive to them as well as myself, and they had to remove themselves. It broke me more, but I now understand it. And truth be told, they never, ever left...they just took themselves to a different distance and has always been there, even if i didn't always see it.

I see it in those i love now, who acknowledge and struggle and fight a good fight and it pains me to know i can only be there and I cannot fight anyone's dragons but my own.
I see those i love, like my dad, who will NOT acknowledge the beasties, and it makes it a bit more complicated as such, because there is lashing out and flatness and it feels like being sneaky to try and work around something he won't even look at, while i see his ghosts flicker around him, unseen, unaddressed.

So I've been visiting with the Monsters in Me. Ah, they are a little matted and starved, and subdued. They wear scars, the tiniest and mostly unseen little lines etched in parchment skin, like jewels. They carry blades and emptiness like scepter and crown.

And i see them, but they have become ghosts. They terrify me now, even as shadows, which is good.

I've spent lots of random time in the last week crying for no particular reason, and I don't quite understand why, but i know it is good.

So hey.

If your monsters want company, or even if they don't....I've kicked my dungeon door open and stuck a rock in it. So just know you are welcome, and say hi.

I'm here.
  • Current Mood
    thoughtful thoughtful


I had some interesting dreams last night. Obvious works of life-changing intents boiling around in my head.

The setting was a closed bar that was supposed to be the place I work at now, but was not actually. I was at the bar with a mold of my face. I was thinly slicing meats and lining the mold, because I was making a new face for myself. I was pouring in things from bottles behind the bar, none of them booze, incidentally. I kept tweaking the ingredients, and rearranging the meat-bits. The dream ended with my letting it sit to cure and set for later. Throughout, people came in and out of the room to observe and make suggestions or ask questions. The dream took place over a period of hours on and off during which i woke several times and resumed dreaming upon returning to sleep.

I feel it related to the sigil work I have been doing. My original intention has taken upon itself to expand the realm of influence as well. And this is good.

lucid-ish dreams, important portents

When I was a kid, I had a dream world with a layout I could map out as though it were in physical space. Each part held contents chock-a-block with symbolic means - the school for info I was learning, a library with all of the info I have learned so far (even a book of my life was in there...and I was always prevented from reading past the present when I tried)....a house on a beach full of glass bottles full of wishes and fantasies. I used to be able to lucid dream there too. There were "my monsters and demons"...they would make chase and I would tire...trying to confront them always resulted in something blocking my view of it. When I tired I would "dive through" the "floor" of the dreamworld, and land in my body.

I had one of those kinds of dreams last night...after well over 15 years since I was last "there".

I was in a place I had not been able to go before. Sort of a victorian boarding house if the Winchester mansion was full of tenents and multidimentional. It was newest at the entrance as as I moved along into it, part of it were obviously aging and looking like a (decently kept) squat at times. Each few rooms had people in them, mostly conversing and having refreshments (all were dreamers and I knew no one). I had a guide but cannot remember his face, though it dawned on my in mid dream that my guide was a male version of myself, and trying to not make it blantant that we were the same person from different places. It was on the bare edge of lucidity, but I woke up...twice...while trying to fully grasp that i was asleep. Each time I would go back into the dream after waking, I was back in the main lobby and had to explore again. My guide insisted I map this to add to my long-unused dream city map. (note to self - time to get out the pen-n-ink and go buy some parchment). On the last go I almost made it to a distant "back door", but again, awoke. I NEED to know where this door goes.

The dream felt ...important. A portent. On the edge of a magical work another me in an alternate timeline  is creating to give us a crossroads. Actually, in essence, this dream struck me as a group working consisting of only myself

This is tied in with some things I've been toying with, in my mind, and in the world outside of my head too. I'm hoping I will have more to explore, to be more lucid in. I'm hoping I can go back there. I kind of think I NEED to. I've had a thousand little glimpses into a multitude of futures that are both mine and not, and a thousand new ways to find my way to the mythylogical Tavern at World's End.

I'm babbling.

I implore you...if you like to play with dreams, try to meet me there. I'll put out the brightest beacon I can muster. It may indeed, make a sound like a TARDIS, too.

Come visit. 


  • Current Music
    The Geeks Were Right - The Faint

In the Quantum Realm, everybody hears you WHISPER

Every once in a while, something lines up a big, fat arrow to get my attention going in a direction that inevitably leads to some lesson or experience of value in my life, something i need to keep mind to, and listen for the whispers, so to speak. I'm a crazy sort - I adore the scientific, and it doesn't alter my love of the supernatural, of heeding signs and portents.

A small nudge occurred again recently. I lost my best night at work, for reasons i won't go into here, because this will cross-post on FB. At first I was pissed - lost $ - but I had actually been considering taking a day off from there, because the levels of unhappiness to be found there gets overwhelming, and i tend to be the person people either bend the ear of...or completely dump on. Within week one, I felt relieved. I got cheeky and changed my "persona" on FB to Mal Loup ( a purposely incorrect version of the word "bad" - mal meaning bad, as in broken, as opposed to "mechant", meaning bad as in evil -  of Bad Wolf in French) - a Doctor Who reference to Rose, taking on the whole of the Time Vortex and being unto like a God. "I am the Bad Wolf, I create myself", et al. Just reminding myself who exactly runs how I perceive life around me, and who EXACTLY has the only true power to make things go good or bad for myself.

Jump ahead. Today. J in a bad mood all day long, cranky, snappy, me picking up the bad vibe.  catching up on homework, but utterly not wanting to immerse myself. Procrastinate, decide to go back to leisure time. I start to play Sims 3 - I had created an 11th Doctor, who lives in a grand house (no TARDIS yet, I cannot find one to my liking yet), and after having given him traits I thought appropriate, was letting him run in autonomous mode, to develop "his" own persona sans my interference, for now. This makes me chuckle - having read something espousing the idea that in terms of mathematics, we could even be simulations run by "gods" elsewhere, for all we know. It's something that makes me, in the back of my head, want to make my sims the happy ones, if nutty, rather than amuse myself with more morbid amusements with them (which some find quite dull, mind you) So I have a little laugh at "being god" to a character from sci-fi who rubs all those little quantum-obsessed parts of my brain....and watch Bar Karma, a show ALSO about Possibility - in a quantum/magic/multidimensional/out of time way that I like so much. Story today is about a woman with multiple personas - also a theme I tend to understand and which encourages my thoughts. Then, begin reading a book I just got, called The Amazing Story of Quantum Mechanics. Then, fall asleep.

And have one of those dreams that when you awaken, makes you wonder HOW what seemed to be DAYS fit into 20 minutes. Now, usually, I can remember lots of my dreams, every day, but I felt this one slipping away like water immediately. I only have pieces left. I woke up breathing like i had been running, heart pounding, the end of the dream having "fallen" a looooong way down back to my body. I WISH it had been  a lucid dream, but if it had I suspect I would have overloaded, or limited what I could "see". There was a large "sea" for lack of a better description. The sea of EVERYTHING. That was, will be, could be. The universe. UNIVERSES. All splitting off from one another like cells in a petri dish. And in the dream, in a manner similar to using a touch screen interface, but 3 dimensional, I could "zoom in"...to a universe, a quadrant, a galaxy, a solar system, a planet, a continent, a city, a house, a person, and then BAM! for a brief interface, "upload a profile" of that person. A basic overview of who they were. Examine the "properties" of the person's "life metadata"...see relationships, people, decisions, employers, habits, likes, dislikes, interests, emotional overview, spiritual life and so on...in a glace. I had a guide, unseen, incorporeal, in this dream. Who "taught" me to use this system without words. Hard to explain. I zoomed in and out of all sorts of universes...like ours, this one, ones that seemed to come from Bizzarro world, realms akin to sci-fi, ones without solid, permanent form but FULL of active, intelligent life (this place struck me as the gathering place of the greatest minds in ALL POSSIBLE PLACES EVER, and it caused me a blinding headache within  a few moments of understanding the nature of it, making me withdraw immediately. The headache remained in lesser form the rest of the dream, and remains with me now. I found the "emotional AI cache" associated with our universe...in it, not only "us", mind you, but "others"....and this part of the dream sent me into tears and laughter, making me understand what perhaps HP Lovecraft was thinking of when he created the blind idiot god in the center of the universe, gibbering madly, surrounded by the flutes of the music of madness - like so -
"[O]utside the ordered universe [is] that amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes.[9]

Lovecraft referred to Azathoth again in "The Whisperer in Darkness" (1931), where the narrator relates that he "started with loathing when told of the monstrous nuclear chaos beyond angled space which the Necronomicon had mercifully cloaked under the name of Azathoth."[10] Here "nuclear" most likely refers to Azathoth's central location at the nucleus of the cosmos and not to nuclear energy, which did not truly come of age until after Lovecraft's death." - wikipedia

only in HP's case, he focused on the seething CHAOS - for there was no other way to call it, it was a bubbling cauldron of emotions of all, good and bad, in one big overload-the-circuits-with-too-much-information soup, he focused on that experience on being bad, horrible, driving one to madness. Which it certainly would, i suppose. I actually did not want to leave, despite the fact that I could "feel" the insanity creeping from my "dream self" all the way down the wire, so to speak, back to my physical body, where I suspected (in the dream), that it was going to fry my brain and possibly leave me mental, but I DIDN'T CARE...or maybe I did, since I had all emotions there for me at once. But my guide cut the connection as soon as there was understanding i was not going to exit on my own, and a vague sense of surprise at that fact.  At this point, I was worn out and bedazzled, and the guide merely "towed" me back outward, away, into the sea of everything, and back to the shore. It left me a vague message that I did not get to see all i needed to because I was drawn in too quickly by other aspects that could have been dangerous.. In my "future"...back in the realm where I reside, for this was outside of time and space - I would be allowed access to deeper "file resources"...metadata of my own timelines and lives. Just parts, if I kept to tasks "they" would give me later, ones that put me in a place of helping others tip some cosmic scale event in their lives, by helping be a guide in turn. Wanting details, i was given none, and then, with a wash of apologetic emotion, was "shoved"....back to my sleeping self.

Panting and heart racing, and brain hurting, abuzz. It still is now. and I have only typed out what has not been LOST between then and now, which is quite a lot.

Immediately upon jumping online to type this, my email notification includes this, posted, here, on this lj post, from july of last year, a post that ABSOLUTELY relates to this epic dream in EVERY WAY,only hours ago....by anonymous.

Looking forward to make a contribution
Hi - I am definitely happy to discover this. great job!

I am elated, unsettled, hyped up, a bit freaked out, and amazed at this universe, and the things it does to ...all of us. Especially if you heed, and listen to signs and portents when they come our way...

...then again, if you hear I have gone utterly mad in the near future, let this be evidence to the case for it....

  • Current Music
    The Black Keys - Howlin' For You