Every once in a while, something lines up a big, fat arrow to get my attention going in a direction that inevitably leads to some lesson or experience of value in my life, something i need to keep mind to, and listen for the whispers, so to speak. I'm a crazy sort - I adore the scientific, and it doesn't alter my love of the supernatural, of heeding signs and portents.
A small nudge occurred again recently. I lost my best night at work, for reasons i won't go into here, because this will cross-post on FB. At first I was pissed - lost $ - but I had actually been considering taking a day off from there, because the levels of unhappiness to be found there gets overwhelming, and i tend to be the person people either bend the ear of...or completely dump on. Within week one, I felt relieved. I got cheeky and changed my "persona" on FB to Mal Loup ( a purposely incorrect version of the word "bad" - mal meaning bad, as in broken, as opposed to "mechant", meaning bad as in evil - of Bad Wolf in French) - a Doctor Who reference to Rose, taking on the whole of the Time Vortex and being unto like a God. "I am the Bad Wolf, I create myself", et al. Just reminding myself who exactly runs how I perceive life around me, and who EXACTLY has the only true power to make things go good or bad for myself.
Jump ahead. Today. J in a bad mood all day long, cranky, snappy, me picking up the bad vibe. catching up on homework, but utterly not wanting to immerse myself. Procrastinate, decide to go back to leisure time. I start to play Sims 3 - I had created an 11th Doctor, who lives in a grand house (no TARDIS yet, I cannot find one to my liking yet), and after having given him traits I thought appropriate, was letting him run in autonomous mode, to develop "his" own persona sans my interference, for now. This makes me chuckle - having read something espousing the idea that in terms of mathematics, we could even be simulations run by "gods" elsewhere, for all we know. It's something that makes me, in the back of my head, want to make my sims the happy ones, if nutty, rather than amuse myself with more morbid amusements with them (which some find quite dull, mind you) So I have a little laugh at "being god" to a character from sci-fi who rubs all those little quantum-obsessed parts of my brain....and watch Bar Karma, a show ALSO about Possibility - in a quantum/magic/multidimensional/out of time way that I like so much. Story today is about a woman with multiple personas - also a theme I tend to understand and which encourages my thoughts. Then, begin reading a book I just got, called The Amazing Story of Quantum Mechanics. Then, fall asleep.
And have one of those dreams that when you awaken, makes you wonder HOW what seemed to be DAYS fit into 20 minutes. Now, usually, I can remember lots of my dreams, every day, but I felt this one slipping away like water immediately. I only have pieces left. I woke up breathing like i had been running, heart pounding, the end of the dream having "fallen" a looooong way down back to my body. I WISH it had been a lucid dream, but if it had I suspect I would have overloaded, or limited what I could "see". There was a large "sea" for lack of a better description. The sea of EVERYTHING. That was, will be, could be. The universe. UNIVERSES. All splitting off from one another like cells in a petri dish. And in the dream, in a manner similar to using a touch screen interface, but 3 dimensional, I could "zoom in"...to a universe, a quadrant, a galaxy, a solar system, a planet, a continent, a city, a house, a person, and then BAM! for a brief interface, "upload a profile" of that person. A basic overview of who they were. Examine the "properties" of the person's "life metadata"...see relationships, people, decisions, employers, habits, likes, dislikes, interests, emotional overview, spiritual life and so on...in a glace. I had a guide, unseen, incorporeal, in this dream. Who "taught" me to use this system without words. Hard to explain. I zoomed in and out of all sorts of universes...like ours, this one, ones that seemed to come from Bizzarro world, realms akin to sci-fi, ones without solid, permanent form but FULL of active, intelligent life (this place struck me as the gathering place of the greatest minds in ALL POSSIBLE PLACES EVER, and it caused me a blinding headache within a few moments of understanding the nature of it, making me withdraw immediately. The headache remained in lesser form the rest of the dream, and remains with me now. I found the "emotional AI cache" associated with our universe...in it, not only "us", mind you, but "others"....and this part of the dream sent me into tears and laughter, making me understand what perhaps HP Lovecraft was thinking of when he created the blind idiot god in the center of the universe, gibbering madly, surrounded by the flutes of the music of madness - like so -
- "[O]utside the ordered universe [is] that amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes.
Lovecraft referred to Azathoth again in "The Whisperer in Darkness" (1931), where the narrator relates that he "started with loathing when told of the monstrous nuclear chaos beyond angled space which the Necronomicon had mercifully cloaked under the name of Azathoth." Here "nuclear" most likely refers to Azathoth's central location at the nucleus of the cosmos and not to nuclear energy, which did not truly come of age until after Lovecraft's death." - wikipedia
only in HP's case, he focused on the seething CHAOS - for there was no other way to call it, it was a bubbling cauldron of emotions of all, good and bad, in one big overload-the-circuits-with-too-much-information soup, he focused on that experience on being bad, horrible, driving one to madness. Which it certainly would, i suppose. I actually did not want to leave, despite the fact that I could "feel" the insanity creeping from my "dream self" all the way down the wire, so to speak, back to my physical body, where I suspected (in the dream), that it was going to fry my brain and possibly leave me mental, but I DIDN'T CARE...or maybe I did, since I had all emotions there for me at once. But my guide cut the connection as soon as there was understanding i was not going to exit on my own, and a vague sense of surprise at that fact. At this point, I was worn out and bedazzled, and the guide merely "towed" me back outward, away, into the sea of everything, and back to the shore. It left me a vague message that I did not get to see all i needed to because I was drawn in too quickly by other aspects that could have been dangerous.. In my "future"...back in the realm where I reside, for this was outside of time and space - I would be allowed access to deeper "file resources"...metadata of my own timelines and lives. Just parts, if I kept to tasks "they" would give me later, ones that put me in a place of helping others tip some cosmic scale event in their lives, by helping be a guide in turn. Wanting details, i was given none, and then, with a wash of apologetic emotion, was "shoved"....back to my sleeping self.
Panting and heart racing, and brain hurting, abuzz. It still is now. and I have only typed out what has not been LOST between then and now, which is quite a lot.
Immediately upon jumping online to type this, my email notification includes this, posted, here, on this lj post, from july of last year, a post that ABSOLUTELY relates to this epic dream in EVERY WAY,only hours ago....by anonymous.
Subject: Looking forward to make a contribution
Hi - I am definitely happy to discover this. great job!
I am elated, unsettled, hyped up, a bit freaked out, and amazed at this universe, and the things it does to ...all of us. Especially if you heed, and listen to signs and portents when they come our way...
...then again, if you hear I have gone utterly mad in the near future, let this be evidence to the case for it....