My gender identity class today was interesting...teacher was out sick. We have a group project to work on. The teachers assistant attempted to help structure the other group, which was in utter chaos. We had an advisor who realized our group was very good at self directing and left us to our own devices. We ran our own group well, and adjourned only a half an hour before our class would have ended. I wonder how the other group fared, since they all went to the library to do the research that they failed to do independently this past week. Hmmmm.

Posted via LjBeetle


two essays, one two be written, one to be re-written and transcribed -

-defining feminism from outside of the gender binary

-slight upward incline - transitioning from the cash-in-hand hustle to a "real world job" - slow and steady wins the race.

Going UP the Rabbit Hole(s)

that last post on 'wave the magic wand/what perfect job would I have according to YOU' triggered this -

I wasn't actually asking for suggestions of what I may *actually* become if I should apply myself, it was more to see what your *perceptions* are of who I have the POTENTIAL to be, realistic or not. This idea came to be because of one girl at work, who fancies herself a singer in the making (not a bad voice but...). I told her that I could picture her more as a mediator between people or an advertising concept designer...both were things she NEVER would have had in her scope, but were blatant to me with how she IS. Forest, trees, brass ring and all.

Hell, people could have said 'superhero costume designer' or 'matriarch of my own island kingdom'; those would have been as valid a response as any 'realistic' one. I wasn't asking for suggestions to ACTUALLY steer my future path....it is more of an exercise in perception of persona.

I'm trying to not be outside of the box, but rather unfold it, lay it flat, and breakdance on it.

And more, aside from that post and yet connected...........

I resisted returning to school for so long because the 'what ifs' got in the way. There are a MILLION things I *could be* It was the same thing that stumped me when I WAS in college the first time around. I mistakenly thought I had to have a PLAN, a MAP, a set checklist of goals and objectives to systematically plow through. I was afraid to go down the wrong path, for fear of losing or missing out on something that I might love more along the path, flummoxed by my own views of the quantum possibilities of who I may end up. I wanted...WANT...to be ALL OF THEM. Then, I finally convinced myself that playing with classes again would be more like trying on a few more costumes in my life (and y'all know how much i love my costumes). I may have my favorites, but it doesn't stop me from playing dress-up with everything in the closet. So...I finally just said FUCK IT, and filled out the paperwork, with a mere notion of a 'maybe' for a major (on my second time around). It could change from here, but that's ok.

Oh, and did I mention...I recently put in an application to be a Paranormal Investigator with Paranormal Research Association of Boston? I want to keep one foot firmly placed in as many alternate realities as possible :) Besides, is there a cooler way to learn more about AV processing and analysis, or what???

I don't WANT to spend a million years in school *now*, but...but...but...

*headspins on the box*

Because words must sometimes spill out.

I swear, I feel the world fairly humming beneath my feet. I am standing on ley lines that I have bent underfoot by my shifting life. HUMMING I say.

It feels so odd, and thrilling to nosedive back into a place of learning, even if it is something I groan at, like algebra. I will indeed be trying to view numerical equasions as being sigils in need of my merry chase deep into the Mysteries and Challenges they will spin, like Arachne's webs, in my brainmeats. Then there is the class on Gender Identity. I can't wait to unleash a few different me's to voice themselves there :)

An ever evolving relationship with my dad, who both surprises me, and infuriates, but in whom I see the same foundations of self, despite very differing chosen dogmas. In any case, I've always enjoyed a headstrong challenger.

Improvements in my home...my kitchen is so warm, a foodie wizard's workshop, I want to dance in it while I cook. The little house in the yard that will soon house my dad's wine making shop. A slowly, ever...ever...EVER so slowly decluttered house that lives and breathes in waves of increasing/decreasing STUFF...I have clung to things for far too long for memories I don't even have anymore, or ones that I wouldn't lose anyway. My house respires clutter...in comes a new batch, then saturation, then out, depleting, until the next round. Eventually it will all balance out.

Teaching...TEACHING!!!!...other people things I find as easy as drinking water...social media, blogging, photo sharing. People don't know how to utilize these wonders? The mind boggles.

J, who is once again a human being...not a mere improvement of disposition, but I can almost feel the holes in his soul fill again. And it only took, what...the loss of an organ from the vehement violence spawned from the cohabitation of hope and fear and finally rage?

And so, I will enjoy the hum and thrum beneath my feet.

(no subject)

so...my varied friends, many of you know a few different aspects of who I am as a person. So, knowing who you perceive me as, if you were to wave a wand and magically manifest my perfect job/career/employment/godmode...what would I be?? (can be realistic, or far flung - i.e., an art therapist or a Time Lord are both equally acceptable replies) GO!

I am everyone...even YOU.

I remember vividly the day I found a book on eastern religion at my local library. I was 8. I learned about the concept of re-incarnation and marveled at the idea, so different than the heaven/hell idea I had been raised on. At the same library I found the Tibetan Book of the Dead...more marveling that other religions had beliefs that far surpassed catholicism in complexity as far as 'afterlife' went. Then, I discovered science such as quantum physics...or, at least the merest ideas behind it...at around 9 or 10.

My world imploded when I brought the two together in my head. I developed an amazed fascination with every single person who passed me in daily life for months. I can only compare it to a kind of tripping, a psychedelic experience. I occurred to me if reincarnation was possible...and if all things possible DID occur, in all possible permutations, somewhere, somehow, in some pocket of the vast universe, then it made perfect sense that before all time and space ended, before a person could be DONE "being" a "person", they would, over the course of immeasurable time, HAVE to experience being EVERY, SINGLE PERSON WHO EVER LIVED AND EVER WOULD. I began to look with horror at the teachers I hated, the perv I had the misfortune of meeting at far too young an age, the hobos on the street, Hitler, and so on thinking OH GODS NO, I CAN'T be THEM!! And then, the opposite...every kind person I ever witnessed - the woman at church who worked at a soup kitchen, the old lady who spent her time loving the stray bedraggled feral cats, the nurses at the hospital who cared for the ailing and infirm, the man who ran a local funeral home who offered sympathy with true feeling to provide solace to the bereaved, the sweet hippie lady down the street in Maine who, one summer, taught me herbalism and gardening...I was them too. And the President, Einstein, Ben Franklin....or even those who shook society for good or bad...Aleister Crowley, Timothy Leary, The Beatles, Charles Manson...

The idea still lingers, and every once in a while it resurfaces, and I marvel again.

which brings me to this story -


The Egg

By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me. Collapse )